Yesterday when I stepped into the arboretum at work for a few minutes, a hummingbird with a brilliantly silver belly and scarlet throat zoomed at me then away; the pink water lilies with yellow centers seem to focus the sunlight. This morning I dropped A at work and went back to the nature preserve to walk. I heard the warning whistle of deer, saw them leaping away; I could see the world of dappled green.
Everything seems uncertain except these kinds of experiences. I suppose I feel chaotic because I am in a passage, about to enter into the rite of marriage (in front of many people!). The work I do as a librarian doesn't seem to hold much meaning or interest for me these days but perhaps that is perfectly normal.
As I look back at my journal from a year and a half ago, I am relieved that I don't feel the tearing pain I did then, though I still don't understand the organizational culture I'm in. On 3/9/06 I wrote, "What are my dreams? To see (to live in) Spain and New Zealand, to see a glacier and the Canadian Rockies—to travel. To go hangliding once. To ride a scooter—even to test-drive one." Well, I camped in the Canadian Rockies for a week and saw glaciers (awesome), I went hangliding (hated it because I felt motion sick), and rode a couple of scooters and decided not to buy one.
I have yet to live in Spain and travel to New Zealand. But, I met my wife-to-be and we are going to vacation in Montreal and Vermont, both new places for me. A brings totally unexpected direction, goodness, warmth, grace, and beauty to my life. Now I have someone to tell my dreams to, who will tell me to get my viola out because it needs to be played, who tells me to go for a walk in the woods. Pretty amazing. Oh, and she bought a Prius hybrid--not quite as good on gas mileage as a scooter, but a lot safer on the road. Life is good.