Sunday, March 30, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I’ve been praying that I might be filled with Spirit instead of hatred and my own will. It’s a tough business when I feel so threatened. I still wish that Pat Parker were still alive to make me laugh. I miss her dreadfully some days.
It was great to see my aunt & uncle, cousins, youngest sister, brother-in-law, and nephews last Saturday. It was not great to see mom, but I mostly ignored her. “I wish you would be more compassionate” said my sister. But she doesn’t know what an effort I do make. It has been 7 years since I understood what my nightmares, anxieties, and body were telling me. My mom’s dementia is increasing and seems worse each time I see her. I still have nightmares after she phones and when I anticipate seeing her. I try to give myself extra care.
Many of our friends have been giving us extra love & concern. They are touchstones, landmarks in a murky landscape. I’m deeply grateful.
I feel like the winter twigs—bare, leafless, hibernating. Not sensing God. Maybe a bud of hope will come again in the spring. Maybe I’ll find my heart again. Seems like parts of myself need repairing. I react to every barrier and criticism (whether perceived or real) by feeling overwhelmingly frustrated, and very young and powerless. I feel the weight of others’ expectations and needs as heavy burdens.
I’ve been in so much pain and fear lately.
(Former?) friends: I’m still upset about a fellow who has taken the opportunity to tell me what a bad friend I’ve been over the 17+ years we’ve known each other, and that he wishes that my wife, sisters, other family members, friends, acquaintances, etc., weren’t so b*!@&y to him. I’m unwilling to put any energy or effort into trying to communicate with him further.
Family: I hate it when my mom calls.
General: I seem to feel paralyzed by decisions.