Passage

Yesterday when I stepped into the arboretum at work for a few minutes, a hummingbird with a brilliantly silver belly and scarlet throat zoomed at me then away; the pink water lilies with yellow centers seem to focus the sunlight. This morning I dropped A at work and went back to the nature preserve to walk. I heard the warning whistle of deer, saw them leaping away; I could see the world of dappled green.

Everything seems uncertain except these kinds of experiences. I suppose I feel chaotic because I am in a passage, about to enter into the rite of marriage (in front of many people!). The work I do as a librarian doesn't seem to hold much meaning or interest for me these days but perhaps that is perfectly normal.

As I look back at my journal from a year and a half ago, I am relieved that I don't feel the tearing pain I did then, though I still don't understand the organizational culture I'm in. On 3/9/06 I wrote, "What are my dreams? To see (to live in) Spain and New Zealand, to see a glacier and the Canadian Rockies—to travel. To go hangliding once. To ride a scooter—even to test-drive one." Well, I camped in the Canadian Rockies for a week and saw glaciers (awesome), I went hangliding (hated it because I felt motion sick), and rode a couple of scooters and decided not to buy one.

I have yet to live in Spain and travel to New Zealand. But, I met my wife-to-be and we are going to vacation in Montreal and Vermont, both new places for me. A brings totally unexpected direction, goodness, warmth, grace, and beauty to my life. Now I have someone to tell my dreams to, who will tell me to get my viola out because it needs to be played, who tells me to go for a walk in the woods. Pretty amazing. Oh, and she bought a Prius hybrid--not quite as good on gas mileage as a scooter, but a lot safer on the road. Life is good.

The Question of Evil

We've been watching Babylon 5, which is about battles between good and evil and the "way of the warrior" instead of the "way of peace." I've never believed in an evil being (Satan or fallen angels--"Shadows" as they are known on B5). Isaiah 45:5-7 says, “I am the Lord, and there is no other…. I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.” This passage seems to provide fodder for the idea of God as an integrated, holistic being rather than solely good with a separate evil counterpart.

I see God as intersticial, existing not only in everything but also in all of the spaces between things, in the connections, infinitely loving and compassionate. Yet when people begin to describe God as wrathful and vengeful, thus destroying connections, that seems to me to be one way of describing evil. (Do I need to accept these as qualities of an integrated God?) I also think both good and bad thoughts come from our own minds and our experiences. But, when I hear that "still, small voice," from where and from whom does it come? Especially when it asked me last year, "why do you deny me?" an ironic and humorous question I'm still pondering.

I see “sin” as separation from self, others, and God. If we choose not to listen and respond to a loving and compassionate God, well, we have free will and can choose to do harmful things, but that doesn’t limit God. But could God ever be separated from the Godself? Jesus seemed to feel that disconnection briefly while on the cross, so perhaps yes, since he is our greatest example of a life of continual connection with God, even as Godself.

I tend to think that the “end of time” (or the "Advent") could refer to the absolute present (past, present, and future all one). “Final judgment” could mean that all will be incorporated in God, and thus we will know all of the harms/evil done in all times, as well as all of the love/goodness. To know infinite darkness as well as infinite light—unimaginable pain and grief as well as joy and rapture—could be horrible and terrible and wonderful and amazing. That’s why it’s important to act in the belief that we are all connected (whether or not we feel this), to love all—self, enemies, friends and family, those who are unknown—because all will be revealed when we abide in God.

So perhaps the questions of whether or not evil and Satan exist are moot, if we could live out this last principle, the way of peace.

Experiencing Sabbath

I wrote to A today that, "When I walked in the woods and through the arboretum this afternoon, I realized that I really want to stay here. We can re-make our yard at home bit-by-bit, and the house too, and we have lots of nature/natural beauty around, and I think I have to re-learn how to work in this culture, to remake my understanding and passion and focus. I love it here."
Her response was, "Ah-ha. I've been waiting for you to really say that. Good. Now we can get on with the so-called 'real life' I've been hearing about ... Thanks. Love you, A."

This realization came to me because I've become very interested in boulders for the yard, and a small pond, and native plants (plus some that aren't native...I'm not a purist but I'm trying to avoid the invasive species now that I know better). I don't want to do the work of re-making the yard if we're not hoping to stay here. Also, I thought it was funny that A picked out a house in another town she was considering for a job, and the house seemed quite similar to ours.

A sabbath can be a resting point in one's mind when one feels resistant. It can be the pointer for something that doesn't need to be changed. That still, quiet place in which I feel settled and suddenly tranquil. Sabbath can reside in the response of a loved one to a deeply-felt realization.

Tempering hammer

Chris M wrote, "Similarly, whatever guides the universe -- whether God is singing each present moment into being...." What a breathtaking metaphor: I can picture God singing the spirit into the first human, God's singing spirit filling Jesus at baptism, and God singing in my own heart. Right now that singing may be more like the insistent and uncertain "Flight into Egypt" (in Hector Berlioz' L'enfance du Christ), but it is still present.

The tempering hammer is swinging...what is it Thee is asking me for? I hear Thee, but I do not understand the message.

Whither to Rest?

I'm trying to find a place for my mom to live. She has early-onset dementia, and I have found some sources for support: A Place for Mom (thanks, Google) and the AARP site (thanks, A), plus a terrific HR staff person at work who leads a support group for families of those with Alzheimer's. Finding a place seems difficult since I don't have a specific prognosis and don't really understand the financial situation. Yes, I'm another daughter who prefers not to deal with mom directly, so I have to cope with not-so-much information, a curse for a librarian but a blessing for me as a daughter. A&I have been thankful that each of us has long-term-care insurance; we're having a lawyer prepare wills, trusts, powers of attorney, etc.

In the meantime, I'm trying to prepare for our upcoming wedding under the care of the Friends Meeting, actually accomplish some work at work, and still have something of a social life with our friends. I feel overwhelmed and depressed both yesterday and today, tired and cranky. I need to spend time in the woods but twisted my knee yesterday. Thus, that connection I can readily sense with God while I'm in the woods and fields isn't quite as accessible. I encouraged A to pick out a book of the Bible that interested her, for us to read bit-by-bit at night...maybe we'll be able to take that up this evening. I wish for a sense of sabbath.

Caution: Deep Listening at work

How do we listen each other into being?

In one meeting I heard a deep fear voiced; I heard the reassurance that this fear would not be realized; yet I knew that the action had already been taken and that the original speaker's fear was indeed realistic; s/he had a valued task taken away. In this same meeting, we were asked for specific examples of lack of openness, honesty, and integrity.

How can I bring this to the collective attention without making accusations? How can I help all of the parties think through the issues and come to a solution which works for each and all? It sounded as if the decisions had been made--but were they irrevocable? Can the decisions be re-made after deep listening to one another, followed by a problem-solving process?

Attention and presence, the thoughts of Mary Rose O'Reilley about spiritual friendship/companioning in Radical Presence, are also the underlying constructs for conflict management.

Let me be led.