Worrying again

Well, hope can be dashed.

Responsibility for Hope

I was reminded today that we often can’t see our own patterns of behavior. I was also reminded that it is important to look for the best in people, to give them the opportunity to prove themselves to be good, honorable, just, etc. To look for the best possible outcomes, not to be so pessimistic, worrying about negative possibilities, assuming the worst. It does seem that we draw toward us that which we most fear, by the energy we put into it. So, let’s hope that someone who has said several times that s/he “wants us to succeed,” truly means it and will act compassionately and in accord with that statement. I fear my own woundedness and tend to look for woundedness in others. Well, I can make art out of that woundedness, and spend my energy on looking for goodness instead. I hope.

Still more tension

Had a good chat with my sis last night--I feel much relieved, supported and loved. Want to sit with things for awhile before I talk to the middle sis.

What happens to folks who call themselves religious yet do not practice "love your neighbor as yourself?" Well, I have theories about how well they love themselves, based on their actions toward others.

What is intended for us in our situation, trying to do our daily tasks as they come to us, trying to make meaning? Perhaps to realize the love pouring to us from friends, perhaps to fight an injustice being done. Definitely to turn to each other with love. To listen for that still small voice in the midst of anguish. Hard to let go of the "why are they doing this?" question. Hard to keep in mind that they are wounded themselves and so are deserving of some compassion -- even as we are setting our boundaries by refusing to take into ourselves the results of that woundedness.

Birding on a cloudy Sunday

It was an exciting morning at Blandford Nature Center. Before leaving the driveway at home, the male hawk I've been trying to identify landed in a tree across the road; I walked to the area where I'd seen the pair and now have positively identified them as Northern Harriers. OK, birders, maybe pretty commonplace to you, but very exciting to me. I had seen the smaller gray male with yellow eyes, but the female was very different--larger, brown with a cream breast; their calls didn't seem to match up with the bird CD. Finally I could see the white rump patch when they flew. I could see 3 large nests in almost adjacent trees (no, not squirrel nests) but apparently the harriers nest on wetland ground. Also positively identified a pair of Red-bellied Woodpeckers (I had only seen the female previously at our feeder; today saw the male as well in the park), a male Golden-crowned Kinglet, & American Tree Sparrows. Also there were bluebirds, catbirds, house sparrows, house finches, juncos, chickadees, cardinals, robins, etc. We have loved seeing the red-breasted nuthatches this year along with the white-breasted at our feeders. Yesterday I heard phoebes & yellow-throated vireos in Aman Park--the vireos always remind me of whistling for the dog. Also heard the bird which says (in my mind anyway), "hurdy-gurdy-gurdy', hurdy-gurdy-gurdy'" (emphasis on the last syllable)...if you can point me in the right direction to identify the bird from its call, let me know.

Tension

March 26, 2008

I’ve been praying that I might be filled with Spirit instead of hatred and my own will. It’s a tough business when I feel so threatened. I still wish that Pat Parker were still alive to make me laugh. I miss her dreadfully some days.

It was great to see my aunt & uncle, cousins, youngest sister, brother-in-law, and nephews last Saturday. It was not great to see mom, but I mostly ignored her. “I wish you would be more compassionate” said my sister. But she doesn’t know what an effort I do make. It has been 7 years since I understood what my nightmares, anxieties, and body were telling me. My mom’s dementia is increasing and seems worse each time I see her. I still have nightmares after she phones and when I anticipate seeing her. I try to give myself extra care.

Many of our friends have been giving us extra love & concern. They are touchstones, landmarks in a murky landscape. I’m deeply grateful.

Winter Twigs

March 5, 2008

I feel like the winter twigs—bare, leafless, hibernating. Not sensing God. Maybe a bud of hope will come again in the spring. Maybe I’ll find my heart again. Seems like parts of myself need repairing. I react to every barrier and criticism (whether perceived or real) by feeling overwhelmingly frustrated, and very young and powerless. I feel the weight of others’ expectations and needs as heavy burdens.

Pain & Fear

February 27, 2008

I’ve been in so much pain and fear lately.

(Former?) friends: I’m still upset about a fellow who has taken the opportunity to tell me what a bad friend I’ve been over the 17+ years we’ve known each other, and that he wishes that my wife, sisters, other family members, friends, acquaintances, etc., weren’t so b*!@&y to him. I’m unwilling to put any energy or effort into trying to communicate with him further.

Family: I hate it when my mom calls.

General: I seem to feel paralyzed by decisions.